Lexapro

I was on Lexapro for about 10 months. I had complained to my doctor that I was having trouble sleeping. I couldn't sleep because I was convinced that there were people in the living room. It would scare me so much that I wouldn't even get up to go to the bathroom until daylight. On the few occasions that I just couldn't wait, I would hear a slight noise or see a shadow and be even more convinced someone was out there. She asked if I had any other anxiety problems. I said yes, so she suggested Lexapro.

Adjusting wasn't too bad. It made me tired and a bit dizzy at first, but I got used to it quickly. Coming off the medication was another story. I'd been thinking about stopping the medicine, so when I ran out and forgot to get more, I figured it was as good a time as any. The first thing I noticed was the dizziness. Then the dizziness made me nauseous. I was tired all the time too, but that's nothing new. It's been about two weeks now. I think it's getting better. I don't think I got dizzy as much today.

Pictures

Okay, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I can't stand pictures of people on book covers or the walls because I feel like they're staring at me.

I like to read in the bathroom. It doesn't matter if I am using the bathroom or in the bathtub. I just enjoy it. The problem is that I feel like the faces on the covers are staring at me, even if they're just cartoon faces. It's very annoying and embarrassing. I have to put something over the covers just to go to the bathroom.

I also don't have any pictures up on my walls because of this problem. I think the worst part is having to come up with excuses when people ask why my walls are so bare. It's not like I can just say, "Oh, I can't put anything up because then I'll think the pictures are looking at me." I'd come across as completely insane. I have to say things like, "I'm just really picky and haven't found anything worth putting up." But then I have to come up with an excuse when people give me pictures to put up. I want to tell them to mind their own business, but I also don't want to be rude.

I suppose the better solution would be to figure out why having pictures looking at me is so threatening. Then I could work on solving the issue.

Grocery Shopping

I don’t like grocery shopping. The whole time I’m in the store, I am trying to convince myself that people aren’t looking to see what I’m buying and then judging me for it. I tell myself that I don’t look in other people’s baskets, so why would they look in mine? I only buy enough for a day or two at a time because I worry that people will think I’m going to eat everything that night. I try to get in and out relatively quickly. I don’t like to rush too much because it might call attention to me. I only buy unhealthy food at Walmart because it’s not as close as the grocery store and I only go there every week or two. I guess I am less worried about people recognizing me (and remembering what I last bought). Also, I can use the self check and avoid checkers making comments about what or how much I am buying.

Wind

It was very windy today. The sound of strong winds always gets to me. I guess it’s because I’m afraid that one of these days the wind will be strong enough to knock a tree on to me. I know it sounds crazy, but this is coming from a person who used to be paranoid that a deer was going to jump on top of me when I walked through the woods. Anyway, the wind finally died down, so I stopped worrying…at least about the wind.

I was especially nauseous today (another effect of anxiety) because my husband was having asthma problems all day. I thought I was going to have to take him to the hospital, but he refused to go. The other reason I was so nauseous was that I left my phone on just in case my husband needed me to pick him up from work early (to go to the hospital). Since my phone was on, I was concerned that my mother might call and that always makes me feel sick. That’s a story for another day though.

Movie Theater

I went and saw “27 Dresses” today. I’d been wanting to go since it came out, but I kept chickening out at the last moment. I kept thinking about the fact that I’d be alone in the dark. The image of someone storming in the theater and shooting everyone kept creeping into my mind when I thought about going too. After thinking about the image, I decided it was important that I go. I can’t let the disturbing images rule my life.

It’s hard. I still haven’t gone swimming because of the images. I decided that the movie was safer because I could have better control of my environment. I sat against a wall in the back. That also allowed me to be as close as possible to the exit. I never feel comfortable unless I can see an exit. I guess it’s because I need to feel like I can leave at any moment. Also, I go to the bathroom a lot (an effect of anxiety), so I have to be able to make a quick escape to the bathroom at any given moment.

Walmart

I went to Walmart today. I thought I picked a good time because I assumed that everyone would be home watching the Super Bowl. I assumed wrong. It was actually more crowded and hotter than usual. It was especially crowded and hot in the electronics department. I was looking at the movies and the people kept inching closer and closer to me. I know my definition of personal space is larger than others’, but this was just plain ridiculous. I kept moving away and they kept getting closer, as if I was moving just for them. I ended up just walking away without finishing looking. It wasn’t a total loss, however. I found a few movies before retreating.

Swimming

I’ve been considering going swimming in the mornings. The only thing holding me back is a fear of being drowned. I know it sounds crazy, but whenever I think about going to the pool by myself, I get this image in my head of someone sneaking up behind me and holding me under water. It wouldn’t be terribly difficult for someone to sneak up on me either since I wouldn’t be wearing my glasses in the pool. I don’t like being snuck up on. I get scared very easily by it. Just the thought of being snuck up on (leaving out the drowning part) is horrible enough to keep me away from the pool. Add to it the drowning part and there is just no way anyone is going to convince me to go unless I can learn to control the disturbing image in my head.

I’m perfectly aware that it’s highly unlikely for someone to drown me. I know it’s ridiculous to think that someone would. That’s the most frustrating part. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to get the image out of my head. I try to not think about it, but that makes it worse. It’s funny how the more you don’t want to think about something, the more it seems to invade your thoughts.