Movie Theater

I went and saw “27 Dresses” today. I’d been wanting to go since it came out, but I kept chickening out at the last moment. I kept thinking about the fact that I’d be alone in the dark. The image of someone storming in the theater and shooting everyone kept creeping into my mind when I thought about going too. After thinking about the image, I decided it was important that I go. I can’t let the disturbing images rule my life.

It’s hard. I still haven’t gone swimming because of the images. I decided that the movie was safer because I could have better control of my environment. I sat against a wall in the back. That also allowed me to be as close as possible to the exit. I never feel comfortable unless I can see an exit. I guess it’s because I need to feel like I can leave at any moment. Also, I go to the bathroom a lot (an effect of anxiety), so I have to be able to make a quick escape to the bathroom at any given moment.

Walmart

I went to Walmart today. I thought I picked a good time because I assumed that everyone would be home watching the Super Bowl. I assumed wrong. It was actually more crowded and hotter than usual. It was especially crowded and hot in the electronics department. I was looking at the movies and the people kept inching closer and closer to me. I know my definition of personal space is larger than others’, but this was just plain ridiculous. I kept moving away and they kept getting closer, as if I was moving just for them. I ended up just walking away without finishing looking. It wasn’t a total loss, however. I found a few movies before retreating.

Swimming

I’ve been considering going swimming in the mornings. The only thing holding me back is a fear of being drowned. I know it sounds crazy, but whenever I think about going to the pool by myself, I get this image in my head of someone sneaking up behind me and holding me under water. It wouldn’t be terribly difficult for someone to sneak up on me either since I wouldn’t be wearing my glasses in the pool. I don’t like being snuck up on. I get scared very easily by it. Just the thought of being snuck up on (leaving out the drowning part) is horrible enough to keep me away from the pool. Add to it the drowning part and there is just no way anyone is going to convince me to go unless I can learn to control the disturbing image in my head.

I’m perfectly aware that it’s highly unlikely for someone to drown me. I know it’s ridiculous to think that someone would. That’s the most frustrating part. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to get the image out of my head. I try to not think about it, but that makes it worse. It’s funny how the more you don’t want to think about something, the more it seems to invade your thoughts.